Velveeta Advice (with Commentary on Cows)
Q: My older sister is a raging alcoholic. What should I do?
Answers Velveeta: Box a kangaroo.
Q: After 30 years of marriage, my husband is more interested in
watching politics on TV than interacting with me. We are, by mutual
consent, no longer intimate—but he totally ignores me. He
will talk to anyone who looks his way, but he doesn't talk to me. His
idea of doing something together is driving around the countryside for
four hours looking at the scenery. He'll lie on the couch and watch TV
or read while I'm a few feet away and not say more than a dozen words
to me all day. I can't do this much longer. What do you suggest?
Answers Velveeta: Grow a beard. Grow a handlebar mustache.
Q: My son says he wants to be an astronaut, but I fear by the time he's
an adult we won't even have any astronauts. What do I tell him?
Answers Velveeta: Feed three quarters into a Pepsi machine and just
[cows are invented. cows are the darkness. cows stop
and wait and smell
like garlic cloves rubbed into snow
filling footprints. the exquisite
and ugly cow. cows
beaten with a family stick. cows wallowing along the
interstate. many-colored birds on the soft backs of
cows. glass balls
blown with bellowing. clattering
hooves. count the spaces between the
ribs of cows.
carve your spoon. the cow is the cow is the cow.]
Q: Don't you think they had a responsibility to contact all their
guests and advise them of the problem, and even express concern and
Answers Velveeta: Listen, your letter never came.
[At this point I left my Writing Chamber and visited the state
required a snow cone and a copy of The Paris Review;
the heat was
insufferable. Sweat pooled along my waistline.
We were standing in
line. A little girl turned to me.
"Hamburger," she said. "Hamburger comes from cows. People
kill the cows
and they slice them up into circles and then they
eat the circles. They
made me eat cow circles but I didn't
know what it was," she said sadly.
"I didn't know…"
"Please don't start again!" her mother said. She gave me a
like I'd initiated this line of reasoning. "No one
meant to taint you.
No one knew how you'd feel about it."
"I ate cows," the little girl persisted gravely.
"This is no time to talk about such things!" her mother
gave me another accusing glare. I glanced down
at my feet.
"I just didn't know about the circles," the girl said.]
Q: What is the purpose of life?
Answers Velveeta: Get tazered.
Sean Lovelace is the author of Fog Gorgeous Stag, which was released this year by Publishing Genius.
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